Sports Radio Satire: Miami sports radio stations announce they’re ceasing operations

LeBron James

MIAMI —

Miami’s four sports radio stations — WQAM, WAXY, WMEN and WINZ — issued a joint statement today announcing that with LeBron James heading back to Cleveland, each station will cease operations at the close of business today.

“This wasn’t a hard decision to make,” said Joe Bell, of WQAM. “As soon as we read LeBron’s letter on SI.com, we knew, immediately, that it was time to pack it in for good.”

“What else would we really have to talk about?” asked Dan Lebatard, of WAXY, 104.3 The Ticket. “While we all tend to pretend to care about the Dolphins, everyone, everywhere knows we don’t give two shits about the Dolphins unless they win — and that hasn’t really happened for decades. And the Marlins? The Panthers? The U? Please.”

This move is unprecedented. Never before have four sports-radio stations in the same market ever ceased at the same time. But never before has LeBron James screwed a city as he has Miami today ... unless, of course, you ask the now-joyful people of Cleveland about what like was like in the summer of 2010.

“We will miss having our local jobs,” a distraught Sid Rosenberg, of 640 Sports, WMEN, said. “But this, of course, opens the door for my long-rumored return to New York. And of course it helps I am on the air this week on WFAN — I can go right into (Mark) Chernoff’s office and hand him my resume. I just hope he says ‘yes,’ and brings me back.

“Screw the rest of their talent. No one is as good as I am or can bring to the table to energy I bring to my shows on a daily basis. No one at all.”

It is not immediately clear what will replace the four sports stations. But it did make for an opportunity for WFAN’s Mike Francesa to take a shot at Miami radio.

“I have no ideer how they had one sports stations, let alone four, OK," Francesa said. “OK?”

What are your thoughts? Comment here, on Google+ or on our Facebook Group.

Islanders offering 6 for 1 tickets in final season at Nassau Coliseum

UNIONDALE, N.Y. —

The New York Islanders today announced they will offer six tickets for the price of one for all seats for all games in the 2014-15 season, their final at the Nassau Coliseum.

Owner Charles Wang says this was the most logical thing to do considering this coming season is, in essence, a lame-duck season.

“We have a feeling our fans wouldn’t show up for the final season on Long Island,” Wang said. “So we figured that rather than having empty seats everywhere, every night, we’d offer fans the chance to get six for the price just one seat.”

Charles Wang, Islanders owner.

Season-ticket holders, meanwhile, will each get five additional seats for every one that is paid for.

“We hope this will lead to a lot of sellouts,” Wang said. “But you never know.”

This marks the final season the Islanders will play in Nassau County. In the season after this coming season, they’ll call the Barclay’s Center, Brooklyn, home.

There will be plenty of other home-game enticements this season, too. Among them are:

Capuano

• A chance for fans to coach a game alongside Jack Capuano. One lucky fan at each game will be invited to stand on the bench to help the coach, coach.

• Free season tickets in 2015-16 for any fans who buy season tickets this season.

• A chance to skate with the team during a regular-season game. If a player gets hurt during warmups, he will be replaced by a fan. The fan will get a chance to pick his (or her) own number to be worn on a sweater.

• A chance to be the Islanders play-by-play announcer on the radio. In the last few years, Chris King has called the games alongside a Hofstra University student. This year, a random fan will be chosen to call the radio games prior to each game’s start. All games will be broadcast on a 5-watt radio station, WNYI.

• All fans who remain at home games until the final buzzer — regulation or overtime if it happens — will receive $19.72 on their way out the door as a gift from the team. The $19.72 represents the year the Islanders first arrived on Long Island.

“This is going to be an exceptional final season on Long Island,” General Manager Garth Snow said. “Everything we’ve planned we’ve done so with the fans in mind. This will be a memorable year for all involved in this first-class organization — and we do hope the fans come out in droves to say ‘goodbye’ to us before we head east to Brooklyn.”

What are your thoughts? Comment here, on Google+ or on our Facebook Group.

Rangers: One Win in the Finals Parade will be Tuesday morning on 33rd Street between 7th and 8th avenues

Sather

SATIRE

NEW YORK CITY —

Rather than causing a big scene along the Canyon of Heroes, the New York Rangers today announced they will host a “One Win in the Finals Parade” along 33rd Street between Seventh and Eighth avenues on Tuesday, with a 10 a.m. stepoff.

Madison Square Garden Chairman James Dolan made the excited announcement Saturday.

“It’s been 20 years since we were in the Finals,” Dolan said. “And our fans were just wonderful in the first three rounds — which, you know, we won. And while we all were pretty sure the Kings would win the final round, we wanted our fans to be able to celebrate and savor that one win, Game No. 3.

Butch Goring will be
on hand for the parade.

“Which, I might remind you, was also Henrik Lundqvist’s first and only Finals victory.”

To be feted will the Lundqvist for his one win, Brian Boyle for his goal, Rick Nash for nothing, Brad Richards for nothing, the power play for its two successful goals in 21 tries and John Amirante for singing the anthem and twirling those towels like no one else ever has before or will do again.

Fans are invited to bring effigies of NHL referees. It doesn’t matter what the number is on the back of the sweater, Dolan says. Just bring anything that resembles an NHL referee and that can be hanged from a stick like a puppet.

Boyle goes out on a limb big-time (SATIRE) over Game 7

Rangers parade is tomorrow, will make its way to NJ this time

SATIRE
By Kevin Canessa Jr.

Just days before the Super Bowl, the New York Rangers will march along in a big parade in Manhattan to mark their One Game in January Championship, after they slaughtered the New Jersey Devils, 7-3, at Yankee Stadium, before more than 50,000 adoring Rangers fans and annoying Devils fans, Madison Square Garden Chairman James Dolan said this morning -- as did this morning's New York Daily News.

"With this victory, the New York Rangers put themselves solidly in second-place in the Metropolitan Division -- and we couldn't be more delighted," Dolan said. "We were thrilled to keep that son-of-a-bitch Adam Henrique off the scoreboard, and we were even more thrilled to have knocked that donut-eating, fat-pig, sister-in-law screwing (Martin Pierre) Brodeur out of the game after the second period."

Dolan says the parade won't be like a typical parade. Instead, it will commence at the Garden, make its way to and through the Lincoln Tunnel, up Route 495 to Route 3, to the parking lot of the Izod Center, so as to rub it in the faces of Devils fans that the Rangers will be able to draw more people to a regular-season championship rally than the Devils were able to do three times in winning Cups.

"And the NJSEA were more than willing to allow us to do this, even with the Super Bowl preparations," Dolan said. "They haven't quite forgotten the Devs leaving East Rutherford for Newark -- and nor have we."

To make matters more intriguing, Dolan says he's been able to secure Doc Emrick to be the emcee, with sidekick, Stephane Matteau, the father.

"Matteau, Matteau, Matteau!" Dolan said. "Can't wait to see Mount Vancouver."

Among the special guests to speak at the parade: Jim Schmiedeberg, Edward Geick, James Graham, Michael Slane Sr., David Weir, Gregory Peldunas, Steven Schaffer, the Oofman, Justin Fried, Eric Rodaman, Bradley Rodaman, John Tortorella, Matthew Morello and a host of others from Blueshirt Underground.

"I want to thank Mr. Dolan for paying for my ticket from Arizona to Newark," an elated Schmiedeberg said. "And I'd also like to thank him for partnering me up with Brian Boyle on the day of the parade. He must know how much I love Brian Boyle."

Among the singers at the Izod Center will be New York favourites who trump silly Jersey singers like Southside Johnny, Bruce and Bon Jovi, including Jay-Z, Neil Sedaka and Long Island's own Billy Joel.

"We threw Billy in there to say 'suck it' to Islanders fans, too, before we beat them in the Second Game in January Championship," goaltender Henrik 'The King' Lundqvist said. "If we could get Frank Sinatra, we would have done that, too. Oh, and by the way, now that the world saw it on national TV, what did you think of my tattoo? Was sexy yes?"

Festivities kick off tomorrow at 9 a.m. at the Garden. The rally at the Izod Center should begin around 11 a.m., or whenever the lads get there.

NY Islanders: Our free seminars will explain to our fans how playoff hockey works in case our team makes the playoffs this season

By Kevin Canessa Jr.

Not sure what satire is? You should by now. And if you read this, don't know what satire is, and are pissed, again, I say this: you should know what a satirical piece of writing is before commenting. 

UNIONDALE, N.Y. —

A RARE SIGHT: The New York Islanders in post-season hockey action.

The New York Islanders today announced they will host seminars to explain to their fans how playoff hockey works, since the team is poised to make the playoffs for the first time since George W. Bush was president, team chairman Charles Wang said.

The seminars, to take place at a rest stop on the Meadowbrook Parkway, are open to the public — and season-ticket subscribers are encouraged to attend.

“We wanted our fans to know that in the first round, it’s a best-of-seven series,” Wang said. “During our last playoff appearance, we think it was best of 5 or 3 or something like that.”

Wang says the team will also explain to Islanders fans how the 2-2-1-1-1 format works for home ice — and how each game goes to sudden victory format in overtime in the event of a tie at the end of regulation.

“Our fans are used to seeing games either end in a tie (pre-2005) or in a shootout,” Wang said. “We want to prepare our fans for the eventuality that a game could go way past 10 p.m. Eastern Time if it goes to two or three overtimes.”

General Manager Garth A. Snow says he’s excited about explaining how it all works.

“Our fans deserve to know about the playoffs being four rounds, and what not,” Snow said. “They haven’t experienced anything like this in a very long time. And to help, we’ve asked Mike Bossey to come to the seminars to take part. Bossey, after all, experienced a lot of playoff success over the years for our hockey team, albeit decades ago.”

Forward John Tavares says he’s excited.

Rick DiPietro won't be present for the seminars.

“We’re thrilled to explain the nuances to playoff hockey,” Tavares said. “We’ve got a long way to go to get there, but if we can make our already-knowledgeable fan base even more versed on how playoff hockey works, we’ll be better off as an orgnisation.”

Algers “Al” Arbour, the team’s head coach during a four-year run as champions, will also be on hand for the seminars.

“Maybe I should just be the blunt one here. Our fans don’t have a fu**king clue about how the playoffs work,” Arbour said. “Chuckie (Wang) has demonstrated he’s dedicated to keeping this team on Long Island, and by teaching the fans how to understand post-season hockey, he’s showing even more just how much he cares about Nassau County.

“No one is more dedicated to Nassau County than Charles Wang is, my friends.”

Can’t make a seminar? Fret not.

All of them will be streamed live, online, at NewYorkIslanders.com.

Interested in attending a “How to understand the playoffs” seminar? Call (800) 882-ISLES.

Bryzgalov quits Flyers, hopes to go to outer space: Satire

Satire By KEVIN CANESSA Jr.

Not sure what satire is? Look it up.

PHILADELPHIA —

Flyers goaltender Ilya Bryzgalov has resigned his post with the team, has sold his Haddonfield, N.J., home and has asked to be traded to a very small-market team forthwith, NJDevsBlog.com has learned.

The shocking move comes on the heels of Bryz’s worst performance of the year on Thursday night — where he gave up four goals to the Florida Panthers at the First Union/Corestate/Wachovia/Wells Fargo Center — including a penalty shot goal the goalie blamed on a faulty stick.

“Is stick, is stuck,” Bryzgalov said. “I buy stick just for use in penalty shot and shootout, and when I go stop the shooter, is stuck is stick.”

The Russian-born goalie came to the City of Brotherly Love from Phoenix on a whirlwind tour, signing a magnificent nine-year, $51 million contract. But as soon as he settled in Haddonfield — and began playing across the Ben Franklin Bridge — the normally sane goalie appeared to instantly lose it.

On HBO’s “24/7” last year, he really went crazy.

A bewildered-looking Ilya Bryzgalov last year during HBO's filming of '24/7 for the Winter Classic. 

“It’s a miserable market for goalies,” Bryz said, rightfully noting most goalies who come to Philly, fail miserably. “I don’t know right now as I, I’m very into-the universe, you know like how was created, you know, like, what is it, you know? Solar system is so humongus big, right? But if you see the like our solar system and our galaxy on the like on the side, you know, like, and we’re so small you can even see it our galaxy is like huge, but if you see the big picture, our galaxy like small tiny like dot in the universe like, and I think like, ‘and we have some problems heres on the earth we worry about?’ Compared to like, nothing. Just … be happy. Don’t worry be happy right now.”

If he’s not immediately traded away, Bryzgalov told NJDevsBlog.com he’d like to be considered for human travel into outer space, even though the cost is half a billion dollars.

“With my contract, like, I can do,” he said. “I want to be, how you say, no gravity. Maybe to be float I can learn to catch puck that float in air. Sometimes, gravity hurt me when I play goal — if there was not gravity, maybe more goals would not be goals, you know?”

Flyers General Manager Paul Holmgren says he’s hardly shocked by the trade demands — it was only a matter of time, he says.

Flyers' GM Paul Holmgren 

“He fuc**ing thought this was going to be like playing in Arizona,” Holmgren said. “They have 5,000 fuc**ing people a night at that arena. Our fans pack the Well every time we have a fuc**ing game, and there’s no doubt in my mind he wasn’t prepared to play in front of the most knowledgable, passionate, classy and patient fans in the National Hockey League.”

Commissioner Gary Bettman weighed in, too, saying he was disappointed in the Russian goalie’s decision to forfeit the remainder of his lucrative salary and contract.

“There’s no doubt, the Flyers have had a lot of trouble finding the right guy to play in goal for them for a long time,” Bettman said. “In fact, now that I think of it, it’s been an absolute cluster-fu*k since Ron Hextall left Philly. And now that I think of it even more, it wasn’t so hot when Hextall was there either — so I suppose we’d really need to go back to Bernie Parent to find the last time the Flyers had a goalie who could live up to the pressures of playing before the greatest fans in all of hockey. Man it breaks my heart to think of Pelle Lindbergh. What a tragedy.”

Meanwhile, head coach Peter Laviolette says he’ll start Brian Boucher in goal until the team can either trade for a new no. 1 goalie or convince Bryz to stay. But the latter, he says, seems doomed.

“I think it’s fair to say that after we fell down 4-0 in last night’s game, to one of the most futile teams in the league right now in the Panthers, that we saw Ilya play his final game in the most beautiful jersey one could ever wear in professional sports, the orange, black and white,” said Laviolette, a resident of nearby Voorhees, N.J., where the Flyers practice facility is. “And while we’re at it, I still get irked knowing our practice facility is in Jersey. Why the fu*k do we practice in an entirely different state than we play in?”

The Flyers' practice facility — in Voorhees, N.J., also the home to retired referee Kerry Fraser. 

Boucher, meanwhile, is thrilled to get to step up — again.

“Why the hell do you think I signed here?” a beaming Boucher said. “I knew it was only a matter of time before Bryz cracked. And I’ve been here, what, in seven other stints? I knew my chance would come — and I am going to make the absolute best of it, I can promise you that much.”

SATIRE: League announces schedule change: Devils, Islanders to play 36 more times this season

This is satire. Not sure what satire is? Look it up.

UNIONDALE, N.Y. —

Since the Devils and Islanders have already played each other three times — and again tonight — NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman today announced a change to the schedule, as the Devils and Islanders will only play each other for the rest of the season.

There will be a lot of moments like these in the next 36 games. 

“If we could cram them into playing each other four times in the first quarter of the season, we figured, why not just have them play each other the rest of the schedule? It’ll do wonders for the Islanders’ travel expenses,” Bettman said in a Saturday morning news conference at the NHL’s New York City headquarters. “Plus, we’ve been notified by Charles Wang, the Islanders’ owner, that he can no longer afford to fly his players anywhere because of his team’s economic woes, so we thought, ‘Why not let them play where only a bus-trip is needed?’ Heck, they can take the LIRR to Penn Station to Penn Station if they really needed to. I am sure the LIRR has frequent-travel discounts.”

The games will be split evenly, as 18 will be played in New York and 18 in Newark.

Of the 18 in New York, two will be played at the Barclay’s Center in Brooklyn so the Islanders can test out the cozy ice configuration where, in one end, there will be no fans behind the goal.

“But that’s no different from now,” Wang said. “In the end Nabakov defends twice, we generally have no fans sitting in those seats anyway. For the life of me, I cannot understand why we can’t sell those tickets.”

Wait till you see the hockey configuration. 

Devils General Manager and President Louis A. Lamoriello said he’s pleased with the move to play just the Islanders, but as per team rules, he was rather mum.

“I can’t say much, other than that we’re pleased,” Lamoriello said. “They’ve got nice bubblers and grinder stations at the new arena in Brooklyn, so that will be fun.”

But not everyone is pleased. Including Rick DiPietro, the maligned Islanders goaltender who was booed in his own building earlier this week.

“I can’t catch a fu**ing break,” said DiPietro, who has a 32-year contract with the Islanders to play hockey though the 2032-33 season. “And now we’re going to play the team we can only beat once every 18 or 19 times? The f**k? Our playoff dreams are kaput now!”

Islanders coach Jack Capuano wasn’t so upset — until he got whacked in the face with a stick by a careless player called up from Bridgeport to skate with the big club today only.

A hockey seating chart at the Barclay's Center. 

“I don’t think it’s that bad,” Capuano began to say. “But the truth of the matter is.” (It was at this point Capuano got hit with the stick, and he ended his press conference by heading out to the North Shore Animal Hospital, since the Islanders’ insurance package doesn’t cover accidental high sticks.

All in all, it’ll be interesting to see the Devils and Islanders play 36 more times this season.

“For sure,” newly re-acquired Devils forward Alexei Ponikarovsky said. “Is good for play there and here. We like score goals in Island. And in Brooklyn, is lot of Russians. You know? I like this. Family will come to game.”

Flyers offering 'Punch Your Least-Favorite Player' promo

Satire

By KEVIN CANESSA Jr.

PHILADELPHIA —

Ed Snider

The Philadelphia Flyers announced an addition to their promotional schedule for the 2012-13 season, and it’s one many fans of the team should like — and want to take part in.

On March 15, fans attending the Devils-Flyers game at the Core State/Wachovia/First Union/Wells Fargo Center will be invited to throw punches at two life-like effigies of Ilya Bryzgalov and Scott Stevens.

It is believed this is the first “Punch Your Least Favorite Hockey Players” event in NHL history.

Flyers owner Ed Snider says he’s elated to bring this promotion to the fans of the Orange and Black.

“We’ve  thought of this program for over a year,” Snider said. “And let me tell you — my 18-year-old fiancee had a lot to do with implementing this promotion. We’re delighted our fans will get a chance to take swings at two people who, in the history of this Flyers organization, have fu**ed us over more than any others.”

Snider says Stevens’s hit on Eric Lindros in the 2000 Eastern Conference Finals never left his memory — and as such, he wanted fans to have a chance, nearly 13 years later, to get even.

Some 13 years after Scott Stevens did this to Eric Lindros, Flyers owner Ed Snider says it's time
for fans of the Flyers to extract their revenge on the current Devils coach.

“It may not actually be Scotty Stevens, but let’s face it — this will be a huge psychological boost to our fans and some of our players,” Snider said. “Plus, the $2 fee to throw punches will all be donated to Geno’s effort to get everyone to order their cheesesteaks in English. No Espanol a la Geno’s!”

And while fans may have issues throwing punches at the likeness of Bryzgalov, Snider says he’s confident fans will understand — and will want to get their frustrations out over Bryz’s poor play at the end of last season.”

“He screwed us. Plain and simple,” the chairman said. “To lose in 5 to New Jersey was unacceptable. And our fans deserve to get some semblance of revenge on the goalie who just couldn’t get it done — and who rarely has.”

Want to learn more about this event? Log on to www.PunchScottyandIlyaAtaGame.com for details.

Satire: New program brings inmates, orphans to Rangers intermissions at MSG

Satire

By KEVIN CANESSA Jr.

NEW YORK —

In an effort to win back fans disenfranchised over the 100-plus day NHL lockout, the New York Rangers today announced a program that will allow inmates from Riker’s Island Prison and orphaned children to stand behind bullet-proof glass and watch Al Trautwig do his intermission reports.

The first such instance took place Tuesday, Jan. 29, when the Rangers hosted the Philadelphia Flyers.

“We figured we’d be best off if we were to install the bullet-proof glass, to protect Al,” said Madison Square Garden Chairman James Dolan. “While we respect prisoners’ rights — safety of Al is paramount. And yet, we wanted the inmates and the orphans to feel welcome as they came to the Garden to see the league’s most objective between-period commentator.”

Seen behind Al Trautwig are the first round of prisoners and orphans
who were invited to the Garden to watch Al's intermission reports.

Among the inmates to attend the first Inmate/Orphans night was Giovanni Montefusco (seen in the picture, to Al’s right, without the hat), a 48-year-old Bronx man serving 60 to life on a first-degree murder charge. In all ironies, his victim was an orphan.

“This program is fu**ing unbelievable,” Montefusco said. “Sweetheart, you have no ideer how long it’s been since I been to a Rangers’ game. Considering I killed that kid in 1982, you can imagine. Sh*t, I haven’t been outside in 32 fu**ing years. This program is wonderful.”

Montefusco says the last Rangers’ player he remembers, fondly, was Phil Esposito. It’s been that long.

“Espo was my idol,” he said. “That muthaf**ka could play.”

Among the orphans was 11-year-old Emilio Montez, who says he’s a “lifelong Rangers fan.”

“I really want to say thank you to Mr. Dolan for allowing us orphans here to see Mr. Trautwig’s intermission reports,” Montez said. “When I was a kid — and before my drug-addicted parents abandoned me — they’d take me to the Garden to see the Rangers play. 

“Yes, half the time they’d leave me in my seats while they’d go to the bathroom to shoot heroin, but boy, let me tell ya, I loved watching Al Montoya in goal.”

Trautwig also chimed in.

“I’m so sick of sitting next to Ron Duguay and Kenny Daneyko for ‘Hockey Night Live,’ that the inmates and orphans will be a refreshing change of pace,” said Trautwig, who has been at MSG Network since like 1940. “I’ll tell you this — if you had to deal with Daneyko’s missing teeth, and the smell of hairspray from Duguay’s hair, you’d probably rather chill with the inmates and kids.

“But seriously. This is a true honor — and I’d really like to thank Mr. Dolan for thinking of me when he came up with this new, innovative program. It’s the type of program only he (Dolan) and the Rangers could concoct. Right?”

The next round of prisoners and orphans will be at the next home game for the Rangers. Among those expected to attend the intermission-report festivities are David Berkowitz, the Son of Sam killer — and Lashonda Nice, a 10-year-old orphan originally from the South Bronx, whose parents are, ironically, both inmates at Riker’s. Unfortunately, a municipal-court judge blocked Nice’s parents from attending the game with her, citing their poor behavior in lockup — and their inability to get along with others, which has led them to 24-7 ad-seg (solitary).

Meanwhile, Dolan praised himself for the new program, while noting it would be by New Yorkers, for New Yorkers.

“And let it be known that all orphans — and inmates — will be New Yorkers,” Dolan said. “We will ensure no one from Long Island or Jersey  gets in to see our Al. 

“We expect this innovative project will be mimicked by other NHL clubs in the future — but we’ll always be able to say we were the first ones to bring the inmates and orphans together. By the way, is it PC to call the orphans, orphans?”

Islanders to offer free season tickets for 2014-15 season if fans promise to move with team to Brooklyn

SATIRE: Please note —— if you're unsure what satire is, please go to theonion.com, or check out The Onion's description on Wiki. This article, as such, is satire. 

By KEVIN CANESSA Jr.

UNIONDALE, N.Y. —

The New York Islanders today announced the will offer free season tickets to fans for their final season on Long Island, so long as they pay for season tickets for their first season in Brooklyn in 2015-16, owner and Chairman Charles Wang announced today.

The move represents the first time an NHL club has ever offered free season tickets to fans. Wang also said Islanders fans won't have to actually move their families to Brooklyn — they'll just have to go to games there.

“We only have 334 season subscribers anyway,” Wang said, noting the Devils once had a game in a blizzard attended by that very same number of 334. “By giving free season passes to fans to entice them to come with us to Brooklyn, we ensure our building will be full when we make this long-overdue and highly anticipated move to Brooklyn.”

Charles Wang

In essence, fans are getting two seasons for the price of one, but season pass holders won’t be charged until the first season arrives — in October 2015. 

As for the name of the team when it moves to Brooklyn, Wang still insists the team will be called the New York Islanders — even though technically, they won’t be deep on the island anymore.

“Brooklyn is an Island, isn’t it?” Wang asked. “So why not keep a name that has been synonymous with championships, four Stanley Cups, Bryan Trottier and Chico Resch?”

However, Islanders broadcaster and overt Rangers fan Howie Rose sees things differently. He thinks the team should be renamed to reflect Brooklyn.

“I mean come on,” Rose said. “It’s not like teams in the metropolitan area play in one place, and refer to their team name as if they played somewhere else, no? On second thought, the Jets, Giants and Red Bulls all play in New Jersey, but call themselves New York teams. So scrap that premise.”

But he thinks the time is right for some sort of change.

“Wouldn’t it be grand if we could rename the team ‘The Brooklyn Dodgers?’”Rose asked. “I mean, what better way to honor one team that has won nothing in the past two decades than to rename them after another historical local team that did absolutely nothing right — except for one year — when it was here?

“Think about it for a second — the Brooklyn Dodgers of the National Hockey League. How great would that be? They could be the new ‘Dem Bums’ of Flatbush!”

Islander legend Eddie Westfall, number 18, sort of echoed Rose’s sentiments.

No. 18 — Eddie Westfall

“Wow, Howie, wow!” no. 18 said. “Wow.”

As part of the move to Brooklyn, too, the team announced it will bring Jiggs McDonald back to be play-by-play announcer for at least 20 percent of all games. But he’ll be relegated to the radio.

Thing is — the Islanders have had trouble finding a radio home.

Currently, they’re on a 2K watt station at Hofstra University, which barely reaches past the Meadowbrook Parkway — let alone into Brooklyn.

“Maybe 1560, Radio Disney, will consider picking up our games,” McDonald said. “Wayne Gretzky may have called the Devils a Mickey Mouse operation, but let’s face it — it’s the Islanders that have been the Mickey Mouse operation around here since 1993. Not sure it could be any more appropriate, therefore, then for the Islanders to be on Radio Disney.”

Want more information about the free season tickets? 

Call (800) 882-ISLES.

SATIRE: Panthers offering 24¢ tickets for all seats, will raise division championship banner from 2011-12 at every remaining home game

Yormark

By KEVIN CANESSA Jr.

Satire

SUNRISE, Fla. —

The Florida Panthers, in a move designed to bring fans to the arena for their games, announced that every remaining ticket sold for the rest of the season will only cost 24¢, Chairman Michael Yormark announced this weekend.

“This is an unprecedented move, but one we had to make,” Yormark said. “We’re frankly tired of our building being filled with fans from Montreal, New York, Boston, New Jersey and Philadelphia. So we’re giving OUR fans a chance to say they were there while we defended our cherished Southeast Division Championship of 2012.”

In a concurrent move, Yormark also announced the team will raise the 2011-12 Southeast Division Championship banner before every remaining home game.

“The guys busted their asses all last year to get that banner,” Yormark said. “And despite losing to the Devils in the first round in seven hard-fought games, we want to remember what happened last year and to allow it to serve as a reminder just how difficult it is to get a banner.”

Moller

And don’t think they’ll remove the banner from previous games, either. Each division championship banner will get a special “raising date,” to commemorate last year’s feat — and so fans can always look back and recall when each banner was raised.

“By the end of the season, we’ll have a total of 25 banners,” Yormark said. “Though they’ll all practically be the same one, they sure will look nice next to that other one — the Eastern Conference Champions one from 1996.”

Radio play-by-play announcer Randy Moller was elated when he heard the news.

“I’m the king of the world,” Moller said, referencing the movie “Titanic.” “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that!”

The 24¢ tickets are available at the BB&T box office or at panthers.nhl.com.

Oh, and here are some great Moller goal calls.

Rangers, Flyers announce goaltender-sharing agreement; Hextall and Richter to come out of retirement to play for both teams

SATIRE, which, again, Rangers fans, means this isn't real.

PHILADELPHIA —

Hextall

The New York Rangers and Philadelphia Flyers today announced a goaltender-sharing agreement between the two teams, and said retired goalies Mike Richter and Ron Hextall will come out of retirement to replace the ailing Henrik Lundqvist and Ilya Bryzgalov.

The news comes on the heels of the Rangers starting the season 1-3 and the Flyers 1-2.

This is the first such agreement in hockey history.

Rangers coach John Tortorella praised the move.

“Quite frankly, we’ve sucked the first four games of the year — and we can no longer afford to sit around, idly, waiting for Henrik to mature into the goalie we always thought he’d become,” Tortsie said. “He may have started in this league seven years ago, but given his past — he can’t win a big game — we decided we needed to go in another direction.”

Tortsie says the improperly dubbed “King’s” troubles really started to show in May, when he gave up an overtime goal to New Jersey Devils forward Adam Henrique.

“Doc Emrick was right when he said, ‘Henrique! It’s over!’” Tortsie said. “But the thing is, it wasn’t just over for our season. It wasn’t just over for that series. It was over in that Hank fu**ed us over again.”

Peter Laviolette, Philadelphia’s head coach, had a similar assessment of his goalie, who is currently in hiding in his mansion in Haddonfield, N.J., a suburb of Philadelphia.

“Bryz was a fu**ing mess after we lost to New Jersey in 5 in the quarter-finals,” Laviolette said. “He says he didn’t know what it was gonna be like to play in fu**ing Philadelphia? Are you fu**ing kidding me? If you can’t play in this God-forsaken town, you can’t play anywhere — and may as well just pack it the f**k up.”

Richter

Laviolette also says Bryz’s extremely unfortunate start led to the decision to bring back and share Richter and Hextall.

“For Christ’s sake, the guy absolutely got clobbered by the Devils and the Penguins,” Laviolette said. “And let’s be realistic — he did get a win, but at the expense of the fu**ing Rangers. And at this point, it’s pretty damn obvious that, with rare exception, any team that plays the fu**ing Rangers is going to walk away with two points.”

So what happens when the Rangers and Flyers are playing on the same night — or each other?

Since the two goalies have a history — albeit a marginal history — the two teams decided on those nights, Richter would play for the Flyers and Hextall for the Rangers. They figured they’d switch it up — and have the guy who played for the opposite team during his playing career be the starter.

On those nights, the reeling Lundqvist and Bryzgalov would serve as backup. They’d otherwise be banished to the practice squads for their respective teams.

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman gave the OK this unprecedented goalie-sharing agreement.

“I’m more interested in the financial side of things anyway,” Bettman said. “Since the idiot fans of both of these teams show up even when their teams suck — like right now for both of them — we figured they wouldn’t mind seeing Ron Hextall in a Rangers sweater and Mike Richter in a Flyers sweater.

Richter will wear Hextall’s traditional no. 27, and Hextall will wear Richter’s traditional no. 35.

Since Hextall will be playing some games as a Ranger, the Rangers immediately announced they’d retire Hextall’s no. 35 aside Richter’s sweater in the rafters at Madison Square Garden.

MSG President and CEO James Dolan weighed in.

“We’re looking forward to adding another banner to the very few we’ve already got at Madison Square Garden,” Dolan said. “In addition to it being his first game as a Ranger, we’re delighted we’ll be able to host Ron Hextall Night at the Garden, to retire his number before he ever plays a game for our organization.”

And don’t think Richter won’t get the royal treatment during games he plays in Philadelphia too. He most certainly will.

The Flyers will hang an effigy of Richter directly next to their 1974-75 Stanley Cup Championship banner at the Corestate/First Union/Wachovia/Wells Fargo Center in Philly.

Snider

“We’re delighted Mike Richter’s likeness will hang from our rafters,” Flyers owner Ed Snider said in a press-release statement. “There were many times we would have liked to hang him when he was a real player. And now that he’s our part-time goaltender, we’re certain our very understanding, casual, thoughtful and intelligent fans will accept Richter to the Flyers’ family with arms wide open.”

Both Lundqvist and Bryzgalov approved of this move.

“Let’s face it, we’ve both absolutely sucked,” Henrik said. “I couldn’t play much worse. Our team couldn’t play much worse. And our coaches couldn’t be more outcoached than they’ve been in the opening week. This will solidify both us and the Flyers as the teams to beat in the Eastern Conference, for sure.”

Bryzgalov agreed.

“I don’t want to play Phil-delphia anymore anyways,” Bryzgalov said, incoherently. “I prefer hide in my house in Haddonfield. I can watch Rangers and Flyers from computer, now, with NHL Game Center. Is cheap this year, you know? Only $49.99 for whole year. What a country!”

The day my great-grandpa’s dreams died, thanks to Jim Dolan

The following piece is satirical — which means it’s not real. This never happened. But who knows? Under the right circumstance, perhaps it could have?

NEW YORK CITY, N.Y. —

The late Seamus O'Shea

Yesterday, I posted a story about how Devils GM Lou Lamoriello was extremely good to me when I was a teenager. Today, I thought I’d share a story about how one of his counterparts, James Dolan, wasn’t so generous one day — around the very same time. But if you haven’t read the original piece, you should read the original piece first — by clicking here. Then, come back and read this ...

So I’ve never really hid the fact I loved the New Jersey Devils — and how I’m not overly fond of the New York Rangers. But the thing is — not everyone in my family is/was a Devils fan. In fact, my great-grandfather, Seamus O’Shea, was a huge Rangers fan. His claim to fame is that he was at Games 1 and 2 of the Stanley Cup Final between the Rangers and Maple Leafs at the old Madison Square Garden.

The Rangers won both of those games.

What you probably didn’t know is the Rangers were forced to play the next four games in Toronto because, as fate would have it, the circus was in town — and the Garden wasn’t available for games as it should have been for games 5 (and 7, which wasn’t necessary, thankfully, for Rangers fans).

The late-great Bryan Hextall Sr.

Crap — O’Shea even had autographs and black-and-white photos of his idol, Bryan Hextall Sr., a Rangers’ winger who has since died.

So my great-grandpa really loved the Rangers — and he had the proof.

But the Dolan family couldn’t care less about that. Not even when he was on his deathbed.

You see, my great-grandpa, at that time, had a serious disease. It was something he’d contracted during World War II — while stationed in London — called Bennyhilldehydrotritis, which caused him to not be able to laugh after drinking lager — and which, sadly, and progressively, caused his trachea to close up.

Boy was it hard for him to breathe. 

Somehow, he plugged away — and had one last wish: To see one last Rangers game at Madison Square Garden — not the one he’d been to in 1940, but the “new” one, the 15th one they’ve built, which, incidentally, is nowhere near Madison Square or Madison Avenue. Or wherever it is/was they named the place Madison Square Garden (was it Madison Square? Madison Square Park? Madison Avenue? James Madison?)

So in my infinite wisdom, I wrote to the Garden brass. It was a very simple text — so much so I can share it right here, with you.

It read:

Dear Mr. James Dolan and Family:

My great-grandpa, Seamus O’Shea, is 103. He was at the last-ever Rangers’ Stanley Cup Finals that ended in an actual cup. Today, 52 years later, he suffers from Bennyhilldehydrotritis, and his dying wish is to see, before he dies, his favourite team, the hockey Rangers, in person.

But as you know, tickets are hard to come by — and I beg of you — help us help him achieve his dying wish. Won’t you please help?

Sincerely,

Your Biggest Fan in New Jersey,

Kevin Canessa Jr., age 17

It didn’t take long, but I got a reply. It was faxed back to me the same day — I’d faxed the original letter to the Dolans.

It read:

Dear Kevin:

While we at the New York Rangers are very sad to hear of your great-grandpa’s Bennyhilldehydrotritis, regretfully, “no.”

See you at the Garden soon!

James Dolan

Chairman

It’s OK — we know Paramount owned the Rangers in 1992.

But with that, Seamus O’Shea’s dream was over. He wouldn’t get to go to that last Rangers game. Dolan simply said “no,” and with that, O’Shea began to slip away. Just a few days after he got the news he wouldn’t make it to one last hockey game, he finally decided it was time — time to give up, and return to his beloved Shea O’Shea in the heavens — yeah, there were a lot of jokes when Shea McShea married Seamus O’Shea, to become Shea McShea O’Shea.

And when he was buried, he sure looked good in that Devils’ jersey.