SATIRE: League announces schedule change: Devils, Islanders to play 36 more times this season

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UNIONDALE, N.Y. —

Since the Devils and Islanders have already played each other three times — and again tonight — NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman today announced a change to the schedule, as the Devils and Islanders will only play each other for the rest of the season.

There will be a lot of moments like these in the next 36 games. 

“If we could cram them into playing each other four times in the first quarter of the season, we figured, why not just have them play each other the rest of the schedule? It’ll do wonders for the Islanders’ travel expenses,” Bettman said in a Saturday morning news conference at the NHL’s New York City headquarters. “Plus, we’ve been notified by Charles Wang, the Islanders’ owner, that he can no longer afford to fly his players anywhere because of his team’s economic woes, so we thought, ‘Why not let them play where only a bus-trip is needed?’ Heck, they can take the LIRR to Penn Station to Penn Station if they really needed to. I am sure the LIRR has frequent-travel discounts.”

The games will be split evenly, as 18 will be played in New York and 18 in Newark.

Of the 18 in New York, two will be played at the Barclay’s Center in Brooklyn so the Islanders can test out the cozy ice configuration where, in one end, there will be no fans behind the goal.

“But that’s no different from now,” Wang said. “In the end Nabakov defends twice, we generally have no fans sitting in those seats anyway. For the life of me, I cannot understand why we can’t sell those tickets.”

Wait till you see the hockey configuration. 

Devils General Manager and President Louis A. Lamoriello said he’s pleased with the move to play just the Islanders, but as per team rules, he was rather mum.

“I can’t say much, other than that we’re pleased,” Lamoriello said. “They’ve got nice bubblers and grinder stations at the new arena in Brooklyn, so that will be fun.”

But not everyone is pleased. Including Rick DiPietro, the maligned Islanders goaltender who was booed in his own building earlier this week.

“I can’t catch a fu**ing break,” said DiPietro, who has a 32-year contract with the Islanders to play hockey though the 2032-33 season. “And now we’re going to play the team we can only beat once every 18 or 19 times? The f**k? Our playoff dreams are kaput now!”

Islanders coach Jack Capuano wasn’t so upset — until he got whacked in the face with a stick by a careless player called up from Bridgeport to skate with the big club today only.

A hockey seating chart at the Barclay's Center. 

“I don’t think it’s that bad,” Capuano began to say. “But the truth of the matter is.” (It was at this point Capuano got hit with the stick, and he ended his press conference by heading out to the North Shore Animal Hospital, since the Islanders’ insurance package doesn’t cover accidental high sticks.

All in all, it’ll be interesting to see the Devils and Islanders play 36 more times this season.

“For sure,” newly re-acquired Devils forward Alexei Ponikarovsky said. “Is good for play there and here. We like score goals in Island. And in Brooklyn, is lot of Russians. You know? I like this. Family will come to game.”