Rangers, Flyers announce goaltender-sharing agreement; Hextall and Richter to come out of retirement to play for both teams

SATIRE, which, again, Rangers fans, means this isn't real.

PHILADELPHIA —

Hextall

The New York Rangers and Philadelphia Flyers today announced a goaltender-sharing agreement between the two teams, and said retired goalies Mike Richter and Ron Hextall will come out of retirement to replace the ailing Henrik Lundqvist and Ilya Bryzgalov.

The news comes on the heels of the Rangers starting the season 1-3 and the Flyers 1-2.

This is the first such agreement in hockey history.

Rangers coach John Tortorella praised the move.

“Quite frankly, we’ve sucked the first four games of the year — and we can no longer afford to sit around, idly, waiting for Henrik to mature into the goalie we always thought he’d become,” Tortsie said. “He may have started in this league seven years ago, but given his past — he can’t win a big game — we decided we needed to go in another direction.”

Tortsie says the improperly dubbed “King’s” troubles really started to show in May, when he gave up an overtime goal to New Jersey Devils forward Adam Henrique.

“Doc Emrick was right when he said, ‘Henrique! It’s over!’” Tortsie said. “But the thing is, it wasn’t just over for our season. It wasn’t just over for that series. It was over in that Hank fu**ed us over again.”

Peter Laviolette, Philadelphia’s head coach, had a similar assessment of his goalie, who is currently in hiding in his mansion in Haddonfield, N.J., a suburb of Philadelphia.

“Bryz was a fu**ing mess after we lost to New Jersey in 5 in the quarter-finals,” Laviolette said. “He says he didn’t know what it was gonna be like to play in fu**ing Philadelphia? Are you fu**ing kidding me? If you can’t play in this God-forsaken town, you can’t play anywhere — and may as well just pack it the f**k up.”

Richter

Laviolette also says Bryz’s extremely unfortunate start led to the decision to bring back and share Richter and Hextall.

“For Christ’s sake, the guy absolutely got clobbered by the Devils and the Penguins,” Laviolette said. “And let’s be realistic — he did get a win, but at the expense of the fu**ing Rangers. And at this point, it’s pretty damn obvious that, with rare exception, any team that plays the fu**ing Rangers is going to walk away with two points.”

So what happens when the Rangers and Flyers are playing on the same night — or each other?

Since the two goalies have a history — albeit a marginal history — the two teams decided on those nights, Richter would play for the Flyers and Hextall for the Rangers. They figured they’d switch it up — and have the guy who played for the opposite team during his playing career be the starter.

On those nights, the reeling Lundqvist and Bryzgalov would serve as backup. They’d otherwise be banished to the practice squads for their respective teams.

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman gave the OK this unprecedented goalie-sharing agreement.

“I’m more interested in the financial side of things anyway,” Bettman said. “Since the idiot fans of both of these teams show up even when their teams suck — like right now for both of them — we figured they wouldn’t mind seeing Ron Hextall in a Rangers sweater and Mike Richter in a Flyers sweater.

Richter will wear Hextall’s traditional no. 27, and Hextall will wear Richter’s traditional no. 35.

Since Hextall will be playing some games as a Ranger, the Rangers immediately announced they’d retire Hextall’s no. 35 aside Richter’s sweater in the rafters at Madison Square Garden.

MSG President and CEO James Dolan weighed in.

“We’re looking forward to adding another banner to the very few we’ve already got at Madison Square Garden,” Dolan said. “In addition to it being his first game as a Ranger, we’re delighted we’ll be able to host Ron Hextall Night at the Garden, to retire his number before he ever plays a game for our organization.”

And don’t think Richter won’t get the royal treatment during games he plays in Philadelphia too. He most certainly will.

The Flyers will hang an effigy of Richter directly next to their 1974-75 Stanley Cup Championship banner at the Corestate/First Union/Wachovia/Wells Fargo Center in Philly.

Snider

“We’re delighted Mike Richter’s likeness will hang from our rafters,” Flyers owner Ed Snider said in a press-release statement. “There were many times we would have liked to hang him when he was a real player. And now that he’s our part-time goaltender, we’re certain our very understanding, casual, thoughtful and intelligent fans will accept Richter to the Flyers’ family with arms wide open.”

Both Lundqvist and Bryzgalov approved of this move.

“Let’s face it, we’ve both absolutely sucked,” Henrik said. “I couldn’t play much worse. Our team couldn’t play much worse. And our coaches couldn’t be more outcoached than they’ve been in the opening week. This will solidify both us and the Flyers as the teams to beat in the Eastern Conference, for sure.”

Bryzgalov agreed.

“I don’t want to play Phil-delphia anymore anyways,” Bryzgalov said, incoherently. “I prefer hide in my house in Haddonfield. I can watch Rangers and Flyers from computer, now, with NHL Game Center. Is cheap this year, you know? Only $49.99 for whole year. What a country!”