Satire: New program brings inmates, orphans to Rangers intermissions at MSG

Satire

By KEVIN CANESSA Jr.

NEW YORK —

In an effort to win back fans disenfranchised over the 100-plus day NHL lockout, the New York Rangers today announced a program that will allow inmates from Riker’s Island Prison and orphaned children to stand behind bullet-proof glass and watch Al Trautwig do his intermission reports.

The first such instance took place Tuesday, Jan. 29, when the Rangers hosted the Philadelphia Flyers.

“We figured we’d be best off if we were to install the bullet-proof glass, to protect Al,” said Madison Square Garden Chairman James Dolan. “While we respect prisoners’ rights — safety of Al is paramount. And yet, we wanted the inmates and the orphans to feel welcome as they came to the Garden to see the league’s most objective between-period commentator.”

Seen behind Al Trautwig are the first round of prisoners and orphans
who were invited to the Garden to watch Al's intermission reports.

Among the inmates to attend the first Inmate/Orphans night was Giovanni Montefusco (seen in the picture, to Al’s right, without the hat), a 48-year-old Bronx man serving 60 to life on a first-degree murder charge. In all ironies, his victim was an orphan.

“This program is fu**ing unbelievable,” Montefusco said. “Sweetheart, you have no ideer how long it’s been since I been to a Rangers’ game. Considering I killed that kid in 1982, you can imagine. Sh*t, I haven’t been outside in 32 fu**ing years. This program is wonderful.”

Montefusco says the last Rangers’ player he remembers, fondly, was Phil Esposito. It’s been that long.

“Espo was my idol,” he said. “That muthaf**ka could play.”

Among the orphans was 11-year-old Emilio Montez, who says he’s a “lifelong Rangers fan.”

“I really want to say thank you to Mr. Dolan for allowing us orphans here to see Mr. Trautwig’s intermission reports,” Montez said. “When I was a kid — and before my drug-addicted parents abandoned me — they’d take me to the Garden to see the Rangers play. 

“Yes, half the time they’d leave me in my seats while they’d go to the bathroom to shoot heroin, but boy, let me tell ya, I loved watching Al Montoya in goal.”

Trautwig also chimed in.

“I’m so sick of sitting next to Ron Duguay and Kenny Daneyko for ‘Hockey Night Live,’ that the inmates and orphans will be a refreshing change of pace,” said Trautwig, who has been at MSG Network since like 1940. “I’ll tell you this — if you had to deal with Daneyko’s missing teeth, and the smell of hairspray from Duguay’s hair, you’d probably rather chill with the inmates and kids.

“But seriously. This is a true honor — and I’d really like to thank Mr. Dolan for thinking of me when he came up with this new, innovative program. It’s the type of program only he (Dolan) and the Rangers could concoct. Right?”

The next round of prisoners and orphans will be at the next home game for the Rangers. Among those expected to attend the intermission-report festivities are David Berkowitz, the Son of Sam killer — and Lashonda Nice, a 10-year-old orphan originally from the South Bronx, whose parents are, ironically, both inmates at Riker’s. Unfortunately, a municipal-court judge blocked Nice’s parents from attending the game with her, citing their poor behavior in lockup — and their inability to get along with others, which has led them to 24-7 ad-seg (solitary).

Meanwhile, Dolan praised himself for the new program, while noting it would be by New Yorkers, for New Yorkers.

“And let it be known that all orphans — and inmates — will be New Yorkers,” Dolan said. “We will ensure no one from Long Island or Jersey  gets in to see our Al. 

“We expect this innovative project will be mimicked by other NHL clubs in the future — but we’ll always be able to say we were the first ones to bring the inmates and orphans together. By the way, is it PC to call the orphans, orphans?”