Rangers parade is tomorrow, will make its way to NJ this time

SATIRE
By Kevin Canessa Jr.

Just days before the Super Bowl, the New York Rangers will march along in a big parade in Manhattan to mark their One Game in January Championship, after they slaughtered the New Jersey Devils, 7-3, at Yankee Stadium, before more than 50,000 adoring Rangers fans and annoying Devils fans, Madison Square Garden Chairman James Dolan said this morning -- as did this morning's New York Daily News.

"With this victory, the New York Rangers put themselves solidly in second-place in the Metropolitan Division -- and we couldn't be more delighted," Dolan said. "We were thrilled to keep that son-of-a-bitch Adam Henrique off the scoreboard, and we were even more thrilled to have knocked that donut-eating, fat-pig, sister-in-law screwing (Martin Pierre) Brodeur out of the game after the second period."

Dolan says the parade won't be like a typical parade. Instead, it will commence at the Garden, make its way to and through the Lincoln Tunnel, up Route 495 to Route 3, to the parking lot of the Izod Center, so as to rub it in the faces of Devils fans that the Rangers will be able to draw more people to a regular-season championship rally than the Devils were able to do three times in winning Cups.

"And the NJSEA were more than willing to allow us to do this, even with the Super Bowl preparations," Dolan said. "They haven't quite forgotten the Devs leaving East Rutherford for Newark -- and nor have we."

To make matters more intriguing, Dolan says he's been able to secure Doc Emrick to be the emcee, with sidekick, Stephane Matteau, the father.

"Matteau, Matteau, Matteau!" Dolan said. "Can't wait to see Mount Vancouver."

Among the special guests to speak at the parade: Jim Schmiedeberg, Edward Geick, James Graham, Michael Slane Sr., David Weir, Gregory Peldunas, Steven Schaffer, the Oofman, Justin Fried, Eric Rodaman, Bradley Rodaman, John Tortorella, Matthew Morello and a host of others from Blueshirt Underground.

"I want to thank Mr. Dolan for paying for my ticket from Arizona to Newark," an elated Schmiedeberg said. "And I'd also like to thank him for partnering me up with Brian Boyle on the day of the parade. He must know how much I love Brian Boyle."

Among the singers at the Izod Center will be New York favourites who trump silly Jersey singers like Southside Johnny, Bruce and Bon Jovi, including Jay-Z, Neil Sedaka and Long Island's own Billy Joel.

"We threw Billy in there to say 'suck it' to Islanders fans, too, before we beat them in the Second Game in January Championship," goaltender Henrik 'The King' Lundqvist said. "If we could get Frank Sinatra, we would have done that, too. Oh, and by the way, now that the world saw it on national TV, what did you think of my tattoo? Was sexy yes?"

Festivities kick off tomorrow at 9 a.m. at the Garden. The rally at the Izod Center should begin around 11 a.m., or whenever the lads get there.