Rangers: One Win in the Finals Parade will be Tuesday morning on 33rd Street between 7th and 8th avenues

Sather

SATIRE

NEW YORK CITY —

Rather than causing a big scene along the Canyon of Heroes, the New York Rangers today announced they will host a “One Win in the Finals Parade” along 33rd Street between Seventh and Eighth avenues on Tuesday, with a 10 a.m. stepoff.

Madison Square Garden Chairman James Dolan made the excited announcement Saturday.

“It’s been 20 years since we were in the Finals,” Dolan said. “And our fans were just wonderful in the first three rounds — which, you know, we won. And while we all were pretty sure the Kings would win the final round, we wanted our fans to be able to celebrate and savor that one win, Game No. 3.

Butch Goring will be
on hand for the parade.

“Which, I might remind you, was also Henrik Lundqvist’s first and only Finals victory.”

To be feted will the Lundqvist for his one win, Brian Boyle for his goal, Rick Nash for nothing, Brad Richards for nothing, the power play for its two successful goals in 21 tries and John Amirante for singing the anthem and twirling those towels like no one else ever has before or will do again.

Fans are invited to bring effigies of NHL referees. It doesn’t matter what the number is on the back of the sweater, Dolan says. Just bring anything that resembles an NHL referee and that can be hanged from a stick like a puppet.


“We want the league to know we lost this series not because the Kings were a better team, but because the referees absolutely screwed us from the first game of the first round to the Finals,” Rangers head coach Alain Vignault said. “Oh you betcha we would have won without those officials. If only Kerry Fraser and Mick McGeough were still on staff — we’d be preparing a full-force parade instead of a one-game parade.”

General Manager Glen Sather also announced that come October, the team will have everyone from the 1994 team on hand for the One Win in the Finals banner-raising ceremony.

Fans are asked to wear any
jerseys they were able to
purchase during
Jersey Gate ’14

“We’ll also raise the Eastern Conference Champions banner that night,” Sather said. “We are so excited, however, to celebrate our first win in the Finals since we won Game 7 of the 1994 Finals on June 14, 1994. To modify Sam Rosen’s line, ‘This one will last a month’s time!’”

Once the one-block parade is over, the team will take to a makeshift stage in front of the Hotel Pennsylvania. Expected to speak, in addition to players, are former coaches John Tortorella, Bryan Trottier and Mike Keenan, in addition to Neil Smith, Howie Rose, Kenny Albert, Marv Albert, and in perhaps the most stunning fashion — a hologram of former Rangers play-by-play announcer Jim Gordon.

Gordon is expected to posthumously emcee the post-parade rally.

Doctors will explain how Don
LaGreca really didn’t suffer
a heart attack during Game 1.

“We’ve waited 20 years for this,” Dolan said. “We will not let our fans down. The program we’ve got planned will be like nothing they’ve ever seen before — and I intend on playing the national anthem on my guitar, as well.”

Doctors from Columbia Presbyterian Hospital will also be on hand to explain how radio man Don LaGreca didn’t actually have a heart attack in the final minutes of regulation in Game 1 of the Finals.

Can’t make it? Worry not. The MSG Television Network will carry the entire parade, starting with an hour-long pre-parade show with Al Trautwig, Kenny Daneyko, Butch Goring and Ronald Duguay.

Can’t catch the live broadcast? Worry not again.

Dave Maloney says he’ll be
on hand, drinking,
this Tuesday.

Fox Sports 1 says it will pre-empt the Mike Francesa Show from 1 to 5 p.m. with continuous rebroadcasts of the parade throughout the four-hour period.

“This is fuc**ing awesome,” radio announcer Dave Maloney said of the impending parade. “These fuc**ing officials fu**ed us out of a Cup, so I for one plan to have quite a few adult beverages before the parade — and I for one plan on being as blitzed at the parade as I normally am during Rangers’ radio broadcasts on ESPN-98.7 New York.”