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29 January 2013

Islanders to offer free season tickets for 2014-15 season if fans promise to move with team to Brooklyn



SATIRE: Please note —— if you're unsure what satire is, please go to theonion.com, or check out The Onion's description on Wiki. This article, as such, is satire. 

By KEVIN CANESSA Jr.

UNIONDALE, N.Y.

The New York Islanders today announced the will offer free season tickets to fans for their final season on Long Island, so long as they pay for season tickets for their first season in Brooklyn in 2015-16, owner and Chairman Charles Wang announced today.

The move represents the first time an NHL club has ever offered free season tickets to fans. Wang also said Islanders fans won't have to actually move their families to Brooklyn — they'll just have to go to games there.

“We only have 334 season subscribers anyway,” Wang said, noting the Devils once had a game in a blizzard attended by that very same number of 334. “By giving free season passes to fans to entice them to come with us to Brooklyn, we ensure our building will be full when we make this long-overdue and highly anticipated move to Brooklyn.”

Charles Wang

In essence, fans are getting two seasons for the price of one, but season pass holders won’t be charged until the first season arrives — in October 2015. 

As for the name of the team when it moves to Brooklyn, Wang still insists the team will be called the New York Islanders — even though technically, they won’t be deep on the island anymore.

“Brooklyn is an Island, isn’t it?” Wang asked. “So why not keep a name that has been synonymous with championships, four Stanley Cups, Bryan Trottier and Chico Resch?”

However, Islanders broadcaster and overt Rangers fan Howie Rose sees things differently. He thinks the team should be renamed to reflect Brooklyn.

“I mean come on,” Rose said. “It’s not like teams in the metropolitan area play in one place, and refer to their team name as if they played somewhere else, no? On second thought, the Jets, Giants and Red Bulls all play in New Jersey, but call themselves New York teams. So scrap that premise.”

But he thinks the time is right for some sort of change.

“Wouldn’t it be grand if we could rename the team ‘The Brooklyn Dodgers?’”Rose asked. “I mean, what better way to honor one team that has won nothing in the past two decades than to rename them after another historical local team that did absolutely nothing right — except for one year — when it was here?

“Think about it for a second — the Brooklyn Dodgers of the National Hockey League. How great would that be? They could be the new ‘Dem Bums’ of Flatbush!”

Islander legend Eddie Westfall, number 18, sort of echoed Rose’s sentiments.

No. 18 — Eddie Westfall
“Wow, Howie, wow!” no. 18 said. “Wow.”

As part of the move to Brooklyn, too, the team announced it will bring Jiggs McDonald back to be play-by-play announcer for at least 20 percent of all games. But he’ll be relegated to the radio.

Thing is — the Islanders have had trouble finding a radio home.

Currently, they’re on a 2K watt station at Hofstra University, which barely reaches past the Meadowbrook Parkway — let alone into Brooklyn.

“Maybe 1560, Radio Disney, will consider picking up our games,” McDonald said. “Wayne Gretzky may have called the Devils a Mickey Mouse operation, but let’s face it — it’s the Islanders that have been the Mickey Mouse operation around here since 1993. Not sure it could be any more appropriate, therefore, then for the Islanders to be on Radio Disney.”

Want more information about the free season tickets? 

Call (800) 882-ISLES.

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