SATIRE: Tortorella fires self, throws punches at Larry Brooks

On occasion, we here at NJDevsBlog.com will offer a satirical story — much like The Onion does. Please note — and let this sink in Rangers fans — satire means this is NOT real. That means it's fake, as in, it never happened (but very well could). OK now that we've got that part down ...

NEW YORK — 

New York Rangers coach John Tortorella today fired himself, and then unloaded a round of punches at New York Post columnist Larry Brooks, after his team's home-opening performance at Madison Square Garden Sunday night.

"Are you fuck**g satisfied now, Brooksie?" Tortorella screamed at his post-game press conference. "After two games, I realized there's no fuck**g hope for this hockey team. OK, you c**k su**er. I'm firing myself once and for all."

Brooks, stunned, retorted Tortorella.

"Why didn't you start Martin Biron after that awful game Hank played in Boston last night?" Brooks shouted back.

And at that, Tortorella came out swinging.

"You son of a bitch. You've never played hockey. At least DeBoer knows how to skate," Tortorella screamed as he threw seven to eight punches at Brooks. "Are we done here, Brooksie? Are we done?"

Bleeding, Brooks walked away calmly from the altercation, and immediately summoned his editors at The Post.

New York Rangers general manager Glen Sather said he's not immediately sure who will replace Tortsie as coach. Among the possibilities, he said, are John Amirante, Michel Petit, Michel Bergeron, Isaiah Thomas, Norman "Boomer" Esiason, Steve Somers and Sam Rosen.

"This is a half-cup season anyway," Sather said. "As we know, in 1995, when Jersey won the Stanley Cup, it was half-a-cup regardless. So even if we were to win it this year, it would be tainted just like it was for that parking-lot celebrating team that can't sell out its own building."